Be kind to yourself
January 29 was Claire’s gotcha day. A whole 12 months since she entered our lives and melted our hearts. I was curious to see what I wrote in my journal that day, 12 months ago. I clicked the entry (I use Day One as my digital diary and one of the advantages it has is the ability to quickly locate and read a post) and as I read my heart sank. I was so harsh with myself in that post. I’ll share an excerpt by explanation:
She is… too young to be away from her mother. I’m mad… and disappointed in myself. I feel like I should’ve done better, I should’ve said no, we won’t get her…
There is more, but it’s along these same lines. Judging myself harshly for ignoring the red flags that were raised in almost every dealing I had with the person who bred Claire. I kept telling myself to not be judgemental, that I could be wrong about the feelings I had about him.
It turns out I wasn’t wrong. In fact he is a way worse person than I imagined. Once he finally arrived with Claire at our meeting point, 45 minutes later than he said he’d be, I knew things were not as they should be. Claire was tiny in size and underweight. As we left I asked for clarification on her birth date, which was when I realised she was only just six weeks old. I was horrified and angry. Angry with him and angry with myself. I kept telling myself I should have been more vigilant with the process of finding her.
With the hindsight that comes with time I can appreciate why I was angry but I’m disappointed that my anger with myself was so strong. I was doing what I thought was right and as it turned out Claire was exactly what we needed, what I needed at the time, and continues to be. Those first few days were tenuous, I wasn’t sure she’d survive the first night with us, without her mother. I underestimated her strength and her desire to live. With each meal she ate, with each nap she had (often in the sling I made to hang around me, with her tucked inside) Claire gained strength until one day she was no longer undersized for her age but simply a happy growing puppy.
***
I wonder why I judge myself so harshly? I’m certainly not aware of it when I do it but beating myself up like that is far from ideal. I wonder if that trait is common among people with anxiety or if it’s simply part of the human condition?
I wonder if there is a way to actively be kinder to oneself? I’m kind and forgiving to others, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be that way with myself? I often see posts on social media, people imploring us to be kind to ourselves. I don’t often see ways to actually do that however. I guess that’s a question to ask my psychologist.